And he said to them, “Do not hinder me, since the Lord has prospered my way; send me away so that I may go to my master.” So they said, “We will call the young woman and ask her personally.” Then they called Rebekah and said to her, “Will you go with this man?”
And she said, “I will go.” – Genesis 24:56-59
How amazing is it that Rebekah had not even seen the man she was to be married to when Abraham’s servant came to get her. Yet she opened her heart and mind to the idea, ready to step into the role that was being presented to her even when the family wanted to delay her by ten days.
I do believe that the way marriage was conducted in the biblical and olden days in some instances, was the best although not perfect. This day, everyone speaks of love. People marry each other because of the feelings they derive from each other and the pleasure thereof, and that is the love that determines marriage. What interests me is that, to begin with, the attraction that leads to that marriage would be determined by the desire that one individual has and wishes to get from the one they date. A man gets attracted to a woman by the physical attributes that he prefers in a woman, for whatever reason. Then a woman gets attracted by the words that come out of his mouth, which make her believe that the man can satisfy her needs. There is no love there. It is just two people getting into each other’s lives to satisfy their desires. Both of them, in that space have no mind to consider other things that will be part of their union. It is only the desires that can be satisfied that matter. They then decide to get to know each other, and by that it means they get to explore the satisfaction of these desires by the other, outside of marriage. With satisfaction and a certain level of maturity, then marriage.
First of all, as individuals we grow and as we grow we change. What I enjoyed when I was 20 I can nolonger enjoy when I am 40. Therefore, I have to ask myself, will the person I am with at that particular point of my life be able to accomodate my growth? We’ve heard people say, ‘you are not the person I marriage years ago’. So this person was supposed to be the same, no growth and therefore no change in order to accommodate the same desires they had all those years ago. I am not sure what level of selfishness is that.
Secondly, you have to take time to know yourself especially as a woman. A lot of women this day are stuck in relationships and marriages they pressured themselves to get into when they didn’t even understand themselves. Imagine being stuck in a box. The space of movement is limited beyond measure, and you are suffocating. That causes irritation and this irritation is bound to pour out to those around. When you do not know yourself, you will settle for whatever comes your way wrapped in an image that looks like what you believe you need. A lot of women settle, purely because women were never created to be alone. The noise of the desire to be with someone is unbearable, besides just the external pressures. The unfortunate thing is that the man would be knowing what he wants and when a woman settles, they literally subject themselves to becoming the woman the man wants and not who they truly are. Which leads to them being stuck in a box, suffocating and irritable. My! that would definitely be felt by everyone around as she will be slowly dying in silence, confusion and misery which would ultimately lead to resentment then bitterness.
Thirdly, know what you are carrying. If you don’t know what God has placed in you, you will go around mistreating yourself because of the misplacement of the gift you are carrying. The gift in you is meant to help you fulfill your mandate on earth. However, when you misplace yourself you misplace the gift and therefore forsake your mandate. A young lady, had a gift of giving life to a person’s potential. She would recognise the potential and by default feel the passion and desire to help the person with such to get them to a place where they can see, accknowledge and unpack the potential. However, she didn’t know that this gift was aligned with her purpose. So she ended up dating men who had nothing of their own but potential. Her calling would then step in naturally, leading her to try and help the man. The problem is that, when you don’t know what you are carrying you cannot prune it so as for it to yield perfect fruit. Therefore, you overstrech yourself wanting to see result. Which means you need the giver of the gift to help you discover and prune the gift so it can yield it’s fruit. Jesus said in John 15, without me you can bear no fruit. He is the vine and Father is the vine dresser. A lot of women abuse themselves in relationships or marriages where they are not appreciated. If you want to see a grateful person, give them something that they need. In most relationships, women are giving to men things the man is not in need of. Because of such they are unappreciated, and they subsequently feel drained. You cannot help a man be a CEO if he is comfortable being a manager. You will be frustrated trying to help him see what he doesn’t want to see. That is why Jezebel knows how to destroy men. She knows well their aspirations. Do the aspirations of your man match up to what you can help him with? God uses the mind of a woman as a fertile ground. It is a spiritual womb. He plants whatever seed He needs to see manifest in a woman. That is why even Satan went to Eve and not Adam. He was never going to achieve what he wanted with him, which is conception, pregnancy and birth of evil. He needed a womb for that, the mind of a woman. So if you are misplaced as a woman, you are useless to God. Hence the Samaritan woman ended up with 6 men until Jesus. She kept on being misplaced and boxed until the Lord saved her.
We have to understand and agree that most of us married before we got to know ourselves. The question is, once you find out who you are and the person you are with is a total mismatch of who you are, what do you do? I cannot give you an answer to that, it is between each individual and their God. There is nothing difficult for God.
The arranged marriages were formed on the basis of what could be achieved from that marriage, not love. We have already established that no one is attracted to the other by love, love grows while they are already together and this was the known case even back then. A marriage without a purpose is already dead even before it begins. Hence the arrangers had to determine the purpose first.
When you are a woman, you need a mind of a Queen. A Queen understands that it is not about them, but about the people. We are not here on this earth in this phase of life to pleasure ourselves, but to please God. Our own pleasure comes when we first please God because He then facilitates it as He knows how. He knew us even before we were formed, so He would know better what would truly give us pleasure. So when you connect with a man first because of what it seems like they can give you concerning your desires, you have already missed the mark. Your first point of check is God’s mandate. You won’t know it at first glance, so you have to search it out. You have to see where God is fitting you in his life, the lives of that man’s family and community around him. Therefore, you follow God and not a desire. It is that knowledge that will keep you in the marriage, fighting tooth and nail no matter what is thrown at you. Because you know God’s mandate and your responsibility is to God and not to man. That is the mind of a Queen. Where there is God, there is love so love will definitely grow.
The bible says, Rebekah and Isaac were so drawn to each other at first sight. That is what following God does. It becomes an unexplainable attraction because God’s mandate for the two people would have connected, enacting the physical connection. Rebekah fulfilled her mandate with Isaac through her actions concerning Jacob.
And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger. – Genesis 25:23
May God grant you wisdom to know yourself, what you are carrying and what your mandate is concerning those around you, and the strength to let God connect you with the real you.